


Cold

by kimajjil



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 20:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16625525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimajjil/pseuds/kimajjil
Summary: Kyuhyun moves into a new flat. He's not alone.





	Cold

Moving seems like the most sensible thing to do for Kyuhyun, after all. His new job requires him to travel to a completely different side of Seoul, his office lying on the 20th floor of a huge building in this peripheral neighbourhood he never visited before.

At first, he thinks he can just travel back and forth from his old flat to his new job place. After a month though, he starts feeling the tiredness that comes with commuting. Waking up in the morning is already a struggle; now he has to set his alarm about forty-five minutes earlier. In the evening, he comes home feeling absolutely knackered.

 

Around the end of the second month, he’s so exhausted he can barely concentrate at work. Even his colleagues start noticing something.

“Too much to drink last night, Kyuhyun-ssi?” is the comment he gets the most. Truth be told, he only attends dinners with colleagues because his boss doesn’t accept “no” as a reply. Luckily those aren’t too frequent, so he silently obliges and has a couple of rounds of soju with his office mates. As long as he can spend the remaining evenings of the week by himself playing Starcraft at home, he’s fine with everything.

But he needs to find a new place.

~ ~ ~

He finds an interesting ad, stuck on a wall in the middle of the street. He usually walks from his office to the subway entrance without looking around, almost dragging his feet.

This day, his eyes fall on a tiny piece of paper. The description is short but sounds promising, so he dials the number on his phone instinctively. A woman with a strong accent from the South picks up the phone after the third ring. He manages to arrange a visit to the flat the following day. The owner is a nice old lady and she seems to like him immediately.

The flat seems quite new and well-kept. It’s fully furnished and smells of wood, as if it’s never been inhabited before, although the landlady claims she’s always rented the place to other people. He visits a couple of other flats that week, but none of them give him the sense of quiet and comfort of the first one.

 

So he calls the old lady on a Saturday morning and confirms he’s taking the flat. He moves in exactly a week later; he spends the weekend arranging his stuff and cleaning up. It’s a simple two-room flat: the first room hosting a kitchen area and a tiny living room, and a bedroom has a double bed, a huge wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom.

It’s a bit smaller than his previous flat, but arranged so much better, and the rent is cheaper. Still, this house has a character to it. Kyuhyun doesn’t know how to explain it, but despite the smell of new furniture and cleaning detergent, this flat feels like it has a beating heart.

When he’s almost done with unpacking, he looks around and senses it. An _aura,_ a welcoming feeling emanating from the walls.

 

It’s almost 9 pm when the bowl of black sauce noodles he ordered arrives so he sits at the kitchen counter, slurping on his dinner while taking in his new surroundings, the different view of the city that welcomes him from the window.

When he’s done eating, he approaches the living room window and for a moment, the lights from outside seem to flicker, as if something had ghosted over them.

He stares for a minute before throwing himself on the sofa and switching the tv on. He goes to sleep a couple of hours later; he adjusts in the middle of the bed, swings the comforter over his tired body, and closes his eyes.

His right arm feels cold. ‘ _I need to buy heavier sheets’_ , he takes note, before falling asleep.

~ ~ ~

The next morning, he wakes up feeling well rested. He hasn’t felt like this in a long time; the last two months have been terrible for his health and he really needed a good night’s sleep.

He prepares tea for breakfast, and while water’s boiling he analyses the contents of the cupboard, counting a dozen of teacups.

His eyes fall on a particular green cup. There’s a turtle drawn on one side, a cartoonish design, almost childish. He stares at it in a perplexed way. “This looks ridiculous” he mutters, but the quality of the porcelain isn’t bad at all, and the cup looks sturdy.

_‘It’s not like anyone will see me using it anyway’_ he thinks, while he quickly washes the green teacup before pouring hot water in. His Sunday proceeds uneventfully, as he decides to use the whole day to rest; he leaves the apartment before dinner to take a quick walk around the new neighbourhood.

When he goes to sleep that night, he still feels cold on one side of the bed, but sleep comes to him easily, so he sleeps.

~ ~ ~

The first week of work after moving into his new flat goes by as usual, except he’s finally gotten rid of the stress of having to travel every day. He doesn’t miss the crowded subway at peak time, or the fear or missing a train and being late for work.

He doesn’t talk about it to anyone. It’s not like he shares any particular about his life to his colleagues, even when they go out for dinner together.

Every time he comes home, the warmth of the living room welcomes him as if he’s always lived there. It’s a strange feeling, and he doesn’t really know what to make of it, but he just likes how quickly he grows to love his new flat.

Sometimes though, a whiff of cold air brushes on his skin. It’s such a sharp contrast compared to the warmth that the flat emanates as a whole. ‘ _There must be a draft somewhere_ ’, he thinks, and he binds himself to check the windows over the weekend. The one next to his bed must be the culprit; he always feels slightly cold on one side.

Every night, he goes to sleep and when he wakes up the morning after, he feels like he was dreaming, but he never recalls his dreams.

~ ~ ~

Kyuhyun doesn’t feel lonely. He’s not jealous of his colleagues who are married with children, engaged, or dating. He’s ok living by himself. _So many people live like this, what’s the problem?,_ he tells to himself as he’s buying groceries after work. He’s free to do whatever he wants. He can wake up in the middle of the night and grab a snack in the kitchen. He can roam around the house naked – not that he does it regularly, but he _could_ – or stay in his pajamas all weekend.

Still, sometimes he’d love to have company. Someone to watch a movie with. He doesn’t meet his friends very often. He doesn’t have many – just a couple of old friends from high school, or his old college mates. But they’re all so busy with work. They meet once a month or two, and every encounter goes by too fast. Kyuhyun misses the old times when they would do stupid things together.

They’re all grown up now, and Kyuhyun wishes he could go back in time. He’s not lonely, but it’d be nice to have someone around.

At night, he falls asleep quickly. He dreams of flying, and he strangely remembers it when he wakes up.

~ ~ ~

It’s the second week in his new flat. The cold drafts still bother him; he checked all the windows, yet they don’t seem to let air seep in from any side.  The landlady confirmed they’re all new so he blames it on the humidity. ‘ _Or maybe I’m getting old too fast_ ’, he comments to himself.

He falls asleep and dreams again. This time though, he dreams of waking up in his bed. It’s dark but he can see a shadow in the far right corner of the bedroom. He tries to move but he can’t. The shadow stares at him and fear starts building in his chest.

The shadow starts moving towards him and the alarm clock wakes him up. It’s morning.

~~~

Kyuhyun doesn’t think about his love life that much. He doesn’t feel inadequate when he goes to dinner with his colleagues and they mention their wives or husbands, or their children going to kindergarten. He’s one of the youngest in his company. ‘ _I’m 26, I don’t need children in my life just yet’,_ he thinks. That’s not his primary goal in life.

Still, sometimes he’d like to have someone to talk to. Someone closer, not a friend or a colleague. Someone you can share the simplest daily tasks with. He doesn’t crave it, but still.

Still, he wouldn’t mind.

At night, he dreams of cooking dinner for two, of chatting while he prepares the sauce for a big bowl of noodles, but when he turns around, there’s no one to listen to him.

~~~

He dreams of the shadow staring at him from the corner of his room, again. He still can’t move. It’s like his limbs forgot how to work and he’s trapped in his bed. In that dream though, he’s not as scared as he should be.

In the morning, he wakes up with the feeling of cold air hovering on his sleepy face. He blames it on the humidity.

~~~

Work takes a turn when his boss decides to venture into a new deal with an important company. His days are as busy as ever. ‘ _I can’t wait to be home’,_ Kyuhyun whines to himself, as he finishes his tasks after his lunch break.

When he comes home one day, he’s so tired he’s too impatient to get rid of his coat and shoes by the door, so he forgets to switch the lights on. Just as he’s about to press on the switch, he sees a familiar shadow next to the kitchen counter. With a sudden feeling of dread, he flicks the light on. Nothing’s there, _obviously,_ and he reassures himself. _I need to rest._

That night, he dreams of when he was a child. He dreams of his mom tucking him into bed and kissing him goodnight.

~~~

Kyuhyun never considered himself to be a superstitious person. Still, sometimes he mixes dreams with reality. Sometimes, the recurrent dream of a shadow staring at him in the darkness feels too real. He wakes up and wonders if it wasn’t a dream, if the house is haunted, because the dream is creepy and _damn it_ , _why do I dream about that all the time?_

But then he also dreams of things that happened to him during the day, he dreams of his childhood, he dreams of flying and he realizes it’s alright, _that’s how the human brain works_ , and he’s probably just stressed.

~~~

It’s been a month since he moved into his new flat. He’s just eating spicy rice cake on the kitchen counter and wonders if maybe he should date someone. Maybe they can eat spicy rice cake together and play videogames. Or they could go to the cinema, do the stuff normal people do. Maybe, someday. He can wait, though. _There’s no hurry._

That night, he dreams of waking up in his bed, lying on his side, and a pair of sharp, penetrating eyes are staring at him. He doesn’t move but he knows he can, this time. But he doesn’t want to look away. He cannot see the face in the dark, only a pair of almond-shaped eyes, staring at him intently. _“Who are you?”,_ he asks. The eyes blink once, and Kyuhyun can see the shadow is about to speak.

The alarm clock goes off. It’s morning.

~~~

He’s doing nothing in particular on his laptop. He hasn’t been playing much lately, his job taking up all of his energies as the deadline for the project approaches. He’s just listening to some music when he catches a light movement on his right. It must be a trick of the lights seeping from the window, but he swears he almost saw someone sitting next to him.

_‘Maybe I should fix my messed-up sleeping schedule’_ , he thinks to himself. He goes to bed and sleep catches him almost immediately.

He dreams of those piercing eyes staring into him again. When the alarm clock goes off in the morning, he opens his eyes and he can almost see those eyes in front of him. They’re sharp and deep and boring into him. He blinks twice. There’s nothing in front of him, just the window letting the morning sun illuminate the room.

The bed feels cold next to him.

~~~

Kyuhyun doesn’t believe in magic or supernatural creatures. He certainly does not believe in ghosts. So when he sees one, he assumes he’s dreaming.

He’s in bed at night, when the shadow appears right next to his bed. The shadow doesn’t speak, it just stares at him, so he stares back, until he asks, in a hurried tone.

_‘Who are you?’_

_‘Sleep, Kyuhyun.’_

Then the alarm goes off, and the sun is up.

~~~

Kyuhyun is tired, so tired, he just wants to sleep. But he also thinks he’s going a bit crazy. Because the dreams he makes mess up with his head a little bit. They’re creepy, and feel _so_ real. The shadow never does anything, it just stares. He wonders what that means.

 

One night, it just happens. He’s about to fall into a dreamless sleep, when he tosses to his right and he feels a wave of cold air. He barely opens his eyes in time to see that familiar, piercing stare right in front of him.

“Hey, leave some space, will ya?”, a deep voice says, so close to him he just jumps out of bed.

“WHAT THE HELL!” Kyuhyun screams, and he’s ready to wake up as he hastily switches on the lamp on the bedside table, but he doesn’t. There’s a person, _a bloody real person_ , a guy lying on the right side of his bed, and he’s so real, he’s there.

“OH MY GOD oh my God oh my God oh my--”, he’s mumbling, because he doesn’t know what to do, whether to call the police or shut his eyes really hard so he can wake up from this dream, or jump out of the window, and _what floor do I live on again?_

“Do I look that bad? You didn’t seem to mind before”, the dude – the figure, whatever he is – says, still lying comfortably on the bed.

“Who the hell are you? Why are you here? And why are you _in my bed_?? I’m calling the police right now!” he screams in a panicked tone, pointing a finger at the other man.

“I don’t think they can help you, dude. It’s not like they can throw me out of here anyway. They probably won’t even see me.” says the man in a dry tone, while slowly standing up. He’s dark-haired, thin and pale, as if he hasn’t been outside in a long time.

“Don’t. Don’t move, don’t you dare, I am calling right now!” Kyuhyun shrieks while pointing an accusing finger at the man. _I’m still dreaming, right? I’m going to wake up now. One, two, thr--_

“This is new. You’re the first one who can see me. Even Mrs. Kang couldn’t see me when she’d come over. Funny, isn’t it?” the man chuckles while scratching his head, but Kyuhyun is staring at him in a mixture of fear and disbelief. The man is now standing and he doesn’t seem to want to leave.

“If you don’t leave right now I- I’m calling the police”, Kyuhyun says, and he’s dialing up the number on his phone with shaky fingers, but as he’s about to press the call button and lifts his head up again, the man has disappeared. His hands are still trembling as he moves around the flat to search for the man. ‘ _Where did he hide…’,_ he mutters to himself as he scans through every corner of the house.

 

After ten minutes of searching, he concludes he might have been sleepwalking or hallucinating. He sits in the middle of his bed, alert, looking around like a scared cat. His senses, first vigilant with fear, leave space to exhaustion and he gives in after two hours.

He sleeps as the sun rises over the city, his right hand still clutching his phone. He wakes up from his uncomfortable position and the first thing he sees is the damn man, sitting on the edge of the bed and facing the wall. Kyuhyun’s senses quickly awake again and he jumps off the bed without taking his eyes off of him.

“Good morning, sleepy head. About time you woke up.”, says the man.

“You’re still here…y-you. You’re still here, why! I thought you had left, for fuck’s sake. Ok no, no. I must be dreaming. This can’t be.” Kyuhyun mutters in a hysterical tone.

“Hey listen, I didn’t mean to scare you, ok? I’m sorry! I disappeared so you could calm down and sleep.” The man says while slowly standing up and turning to face Kyuhyun. He’s wearing a huge red sweater, way too big for his tiny frame, and loose black trousers. His eyes are exactly the same as the ones staring into Kyuhyun in his dreams. Kyuhyun thinks he’s completely lost his mind.

“If you don’t leave immediately I’ll make you regret it! You creep, leave my house right now!” Kyuhyun shouts as he lunges for the man and tries to grab him by the arms. Too bad he simply grasps on air and dust and _oh fuck!,_ he falls face-down on the floor. He turns to look at the man, who’s staring at him with his left eyebrow raised.

“That was… pretty ridiculous, if you ask me”, the man deadpans.

Kyuhyun stretches his arm towards the man’s legs and he just cannot believe his eyes. His arm simply cuts through air, but the man is there before his eyes. Yet, Kyuhyun cannot touch him or grab him. He just feels cold air around his fingers.

“What in the bloody hell” is all he can exclaim.

“Is your brain finally processing this or do you need me to disappear in front of your eyes to convince you?” the man asks in a mocking tone. At this point, Kyuhyun is just staring with his mouth agape, so the man smiles widely and, suddenly, disappears.

Kyuhyun blinks once, twice _…_

_I am losing my goddamn mind._

As a reply, the man reappears right in front of him, only this time he’s sitting on the bed with his legs crossed.

“Is this enough? It’s tiring to disappear and reappear like they do on tv. Damn dude, they make it look so easy” the man says, his small hands making gestures to punctuate his words.

“W-who are you? Why are you here?” Kyuhyun finally asks, and it sounds like something he already said a hundred times.

“I’m Jongwoon. And _duh_ , I live here, obviously?” the boy says. He almost looks like a teenager - with his young features and cocky tone - if it wasn’t for his eyes, giving away his tiredness and something that Kyuhyun cannot quite define.

“You. Y-you live here.”

“Yes of course.”

“I signed a contract for this flat. I don’t plan to share it with anyone else.”

“Well sorry to contradict you, my mate. But I’ve been living here before you came and I can’t really leave, because I’m quite… dead, if you didn’t notice.”

“So you’re what, a ghost?”

“Yeah. I can’t leave this house. I tried, but as soon as I try to open the door, I kinda space out. And when I wake up, I’m here again.”

“So you’re just…trapped in here forever?”

“I think so.” Jongwoon looks down on his hands. He’s actually crossing his fingers together, and Kyuhyun looks at him, shakes his head, stands up and reaches out with his arm. Again, he cannot touch the man. His hand closes into an awkward fist and his knuckles are soon met with the cold surface of the bedsheets.

“Sorry”, says Jongwoon with a customary smile, and then disappears again. Kyuhyun stares at the bed for five minutes, even as the alarm clock goes off and signals him that he must get ready for work.

~~~

It’s a relief that Kyuhyun is so busy at work, because he’s this close to screaming, but he cannot think about it right now. Still, as soon as his concentration falters he starts to panic as he thinks about what happened a few hours ago.

“Kyuhyun-ssi, are you alright? You shouldn’t drink until late.”. “Kyuhyun-ssi, are you sick? You look like you just saw a ghost”. He wishes he had a sarcastic reply. But he’s so shocked he just shakes his head and resumes his work.

When he finishes his shift, for the first time, he’s scared to go back home. But he’s also compelled to go back and check if what happened that morning was just a lucid dream or he’s really, completely _screwed_.

The flat is silent when he opens the door. He walks in slowly, but as he scans all the rooms, he finds the flat empty.

He’s massaging his temples as he waits for the kettle to boil, when a low voice speaks beside him.

“Long day, mate?”

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” Kyuhyun jumps, startled and scared out of his mind.

“You sure do swear a lot…do you talk like this to everyone or am I getting a special treatment?” Jongwoon exclaims in an amused tone. He places his tiny hands on his waist and Kyuhyun cannot help to notice how they disappear into the hem of his oversized sweater.

“Dude, I don’t know! How am I supposed to react to a ghost materializing next to me?” Kyuhyun replies.

“Am I that scary? I can’t really look at myself in the mirror, you know…” Jongwoon pouts.

“You’re not, until I try to touch you and you do this”, Kyuhyun says as he extends his arm towards Jongwoon, and it cuts through him, “so yeah, excuse my swearing but I am this close to going crazy so let me cope!”

“I don’t mind you doing this trick all the time, at least you finally know I’m real. Ah, we started with the wrong foot, didn’t we?” Jongwoon sighs as he sits on a chair behind the kitchen counter.

Kyuhyun glares at the ghost. “You. Y-you stared at me for days while I was sleeping. I wasn’t dreaming, was I?”

“What am I supposed to do all day in this house? At least you came here, you’ve no idea how boring it is when the flat is empty. You’re kinda funny, too.” Jongwoon chuckles in his husky tone, and Kyuhyun is intrigued and scared at the same time.

“When…when did it happen? I mean…” Kyuhyun starts tentatively, but he’s met with a questioning stare.

“What?” Jongwoon asks.

“I mean. When did you…”

“Die?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm, I can’t say. Probably five months…a year? I really can’t recall, it’s all been a blur since then.”

“How did you die?”

“…I don’t remember.”

“What? How can you possibly not remember?” Kyuhyun insists. Jongwoon is staring down at his own feet.

“Dude, I told you. I can’t remember. I have all these pieces of memories, it’s like a puzzle.” the boy sounds confused.

“So- how? How do you live your days? As a ghost. Do you just walk around the house all day, every day?”

“I don’t. Actually, most of the times I’m sleeping. Or at least, I feel like I am. I sleep and dream and float around in my dreams. Then I wake up and I’m here. It’s random, I really don’t get to choose how it happens.”

“What? You seemed to be able to disappear as you wished last night, though?”

“I did. I can actually do that _if_ I want to, but I don’t get to decide how long I can sleep or dream.” Jongwoon explains, and he still has a confused look on his face, as if he really hasn’t grasped how it works yet.

Kyuhyun stares at him for a bit too long. He only realizes because Jongwoon stares at him back, with the same unrelenting gaze that he saw before ( _was I dreaming?_ ), his eyes not giving away anything, just staring deeply.

“How old are you? I mean, how old were you when you-“ Kyuhyun has so many questions and he suddenly wants all the answers.

“I’m thirty. It’s about time you start calling me _hyung_ and be careful with your honorifics, mate.”

“You look like a dongsaeng to me. I mean, aside from the fact you’re dead and all.”

“Hey, how about you stop reminding me that every time you speak? You sound like a broken record!”

“Not my fault I have to live with a bloody ghost! I’m really trying, _hyung_.”

Jongwoon laughs and his smile reaches his eyes. “You’re actually funny, you know? I can get used to this.”

“It’s not like you have a choice, this is my flat and I’m not leaving. I moved in a few weeks ago, I won’t let a ghost kick me out!” Kyuhyun retorts.

“Don’t worry, I’ll try to not disturb you.” Jongwoon says, still smiling. He looks down to where Kyuhyun is pouring himself some tea. Kyuhyun notices.

“Want some? Wait, can you drink or eat at all?”

“Nah, I can’t. I tried already.” Jongwoon replies. He points at the cup. “Do you like it? That’s my cup. I mean, it was mine once.”

“Oh. I should’ve figured. Only you could have such a weird looking teacup… when I saw it the first time I thought it belonged to an eight-year old.”

“Hey, you’re lucky that I am a ghost or I would’ve smacked you in the head with it!” Jongwoon replies, pouting again. It’s almost cute, Kyuhyun thinks ( _what the hell am I thinking…). “_ Besides, turtles are really cool.”

“I suppose you watched too many episodes of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when you were a kid.”

“That was a great show.”

“It really was.”

They smile at each other and it doesn’t feel weird, somehow.

Somehow, Kyuhyun thinks he’s gone crazy, but it isn’t so bad.

~~~

They slowly slip into a weird routine. Weird, if you consider Jongwoon’s a ghost and Kyuhyun is totally ok with it instead of freaking out like anyone else would do, and maybe ring a therapist, or the ghostbusters, or both.

Jongwoon is often in the flat. He’s there when Kyuhyun comes back from work. He stays for a couple of hours, staring at Kyuhyun as he eats, chatting with him on the sofa and bothering him while he’s trying to win in some online game, until he suddenly disappears.

He doesn’t really warn Kyuhyun when he does it. He just goes _poof!_  like in some cliché supernatural movie, and Kyuhyun is alone again, with his mouth slightly open, wondering where did Jongwoon go.

He doesn’t have nightmares about the shadow anymore. Sometimes though, he still dreams of a pair of eyes staring at him closely. He wonders if it’s Jongwoon, if he’s there or if he’s meeting him in his dreams, but he doesn’t dare to ask.

~~~

When Kyuhyun wakes up in the morning, he’s always alone. Sometimes, Jongwoon appears while he’s having breakfast. Other times he doesn’t show up at all.

He wonders if it’s real, until Jongwoon shows up again. Kyuhyun questions whether the feeling of reassurance he gets when Jongwoon materializes himself again in front of his eyes is a sign of him going completely mad. Because it feels so normal to have Jongwoon around now, like a normal flatmate.

Kyuhyun doesn’t speak about it to his friends or colleagues, obviously. They could never understand. He just can’t wait to go back home.

~~~

“What did you do in your life? You never told me.” Kyuhyun asks as he’s cooking fried rice.

“Me? Uh nothing much.” Jongwoon seems distracted. “I was a songwriter.”

“Not _much_? Dude, you were an artist and you never told me?” Kyuhyun stares at the ghost in disbelief.

“Well. I was paid to write and compose songs for other people, but it’s not like I could survive with that alone. I had to work in monotonous jobs to earn a living.”

“But you wrote songs, right? That’s pretty cool if you ask me.” Kyuhyun observes. Jongwoon makes an embarrassed expression and he’d be blushing, Kyuhyun thinks, if only he didn’t have the exact same pale complexion. Jongwoon’s skin is quite tan underneath, but it seems to be covered in a veil of grey, like a painting that’s been kept in the darkness for years.

“I majored in music. I thought I could make it as a singer, but anxiety stopped me from performing in front of people, so I decided to do something that allowed me to work in the same environment. Minus having to deal with an audience.” Jongwoon says quickly. He looks down slowly. “It sounds a bit pathetic, now that I said it out loud.”

Kyuhyun is taken aback. “I-it’s really not? I’m sure the songs you composed were great. Can I listen to one of them?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Jongwoon seems a little panicked.

“Please?” Kyuhyun pleads with a pout.

“I’ll think about it.” Jongwoon says with a shy smile. Kyuhyun goes back to his fried rice, but when he turns around again, Jongwoon has disappeared. Kyuhyun is alone for the rest of the night.

When he wakes up the next morning, he finds a piece of paper with something written in terrible handwriting. He switches on his laptop and types what’s written on the paper. A song from a female artist pops up in the search results. It’s a ballad, the piano and cellos in the instrumental base heart-wrenching and deep. The lyrics of the song are about loss, and emptiness. Kyuhyun listens to it a second time; he feels like the first one wasn’t enough.

As if there’s so much emotion in the song that he needs to delve into it once more.

That day, Kyuhyun doesn’t see Jongwoon at all. But when he’s sleeping, Jongwoon is next to him, watching him. Only Kyuhyun doesn’t know.

~~~

Kyuhyun comes back home from work and he can hear someone singing from behind the door of his flat. He gently places an ear to the cold wood of the door. It’s Jongwoon’s voice, unmistakeably deep and husky, singing in perfect pitch inside the empty flat.

_It’s beautiful._

Kyuhyun thinks what a sad world it is, without that voice.

He waits a couple of minutes before entering the flat, and pretends he didn’t hear anything when Jongwoon says hi with a bright smile.

~~~

One morning, he wakes up with Jongwoon lying beside him.

“Uh. What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to sleep, what do you think?”

“Do you do this often? When did we agree to sleeping together anyway?”

“Where am I supposed to sleep? The sofa is too soft.”

“Dude, you’re a ghost. You can’t possibly suffer from back pain!”

“Why not? I deserve a comfy bed just like you! Are you scared I might do something to you while you sleep?” Jongwoon retorts. He looks down on Kyuhyun. “You ain’t my type anyway”, he adds with a smirk.

“You sound very innocent considering you stared at me for weeks while I was sleeping, you creep!”, Kyuhyun replies as he leaves the bed.

Jongwoon follows him to the kitchen. Kyuhyun pretends to ignore him, but while he’s preparing coffee, he turns around and asks. “Hyung, what did you mean before when you said I’m not your “type”?”.

Jongwoon lets out an embarrassed laugh. “Well, I never liked men who are taller than me.”

Kyuhyun is a bit startled. He just lets out a soft “Oh.” in acknowledgement, but he doesn’t comment further. A moment later, he says “I listened to your song, by the way. I wonder how did you even manage to write on that piece of paper? I thought you couldn’t touch things at all.”

“I can, but it takes so much concentration. It took me half an hour to just grab a pen and write that, I was exhausted.” Jongwoon answers in a childish tone.

“Your handwriting is terrible, hyung.”

Jongwoon scoffs and pouts. Kyuhyun finds it adorable. _What? Stop it._

“I really loved it, you know.” He says after two minutes of silently consuming his breakfast.

“What?”

“Your song. It’s beautiful.”

Jongwoon is visibly embarrassed. “Oh. Thank you…” he replies, and he cannot look at Kyuhyun in the face.

“I looked you up on the internet. I found more songs under your name…I saved them on a CD. You were really good at songwriting, hyung. If that means anything to you now.” Kyuhyun tells him with a sincere tone.

Jongwoon’s expression is a mixture of gratitude and coyness. He replies with an almost inaudible “thanks”.

That night, Kyuhyun dreams of floating into space. Everything is still and silent, except for a deep, distinct voice humming a soft tune in the distance.

~~~

He wakes up a little before the alarm clock rings. Jongwoon is next to him; he’s staring at him, his gaze directed somewhere in between the tip of his nose and his mouth. He doesn’t even flinch when Kyuhyun opens his eyes and realizes he’s not alone.

Kyuhyun doesn’t move either. It has become normal for him to wake up like this. Jongwoon is harmless, he just lies there and Kyuhyun wants to believe he guards over him at night.

Kyuhyun smiles. Jongwoon mirrors him, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

~~~

His nightmares come back, but they’re different. He dreams of Jongwoon often, but he’s not a still shadow staring at him in the dark. He dreams of Jongwoon walking around the flat. He dreams of Jongwoon sitting in the middle of his bed and staring outside the window, watching the sun set. He’s still there when it’s pitch dark outside.

Jongwoon stands there, his shoulders hunched over, legs crossed over his bed, as the sun rises again and bathes the whole city with gold, and he doesn’t move, he just stares out of the window with a blank stare.

~~~

“Do you think you’ll be like this forever?”, he asks Jongwoon one day, while they’re having dinner together. Well, Kyuhyun is having dinner, and Jongwoon is just sitting next to him.

“I don’t know. I don’t even remember how long it’s been now. I lose track of time so it doesn’t really matter.” Jongwoon replies.

“Why do you think you’re still here? Maybe we all wander on Earth for a bit after we die.” _This doesn’t make any sense._

_“_ Who knows. Hey, at least I have company…if only you didn’t waste three hours of your evenings playing Starcraft.” Jongwoon remarks mockingly. He’s grinning and Kyuhyun finds it cute how Jongwoon always seems to find a joke to lighten up the mood.

“Did you manage to remember something? About… about how it happened.” Kyuhyun asks. He’s been meaning to ask him again lately.

“No. But I started having dreams about my past life. Little pieces of memories. I don’t know, maybe one day I’ll recall everything.” Jongwoon says and he’s a bit nervous, as if he is scared of something.

_~~~_

Sometimes, Kyuhyun wonders if this is the way he wants to live his life forever. It’s not about Jongwoon. He questions whether he wants a significant other in his life.

_Maybe I’m afraid of change._

He wonders how did he end up with sharing a flat with a ghost. If he’s just crazy and he needs help from a professional. But Jongwoon is so real. He’s so alive in his dead, incorporeal form. It doesn’t make sense, but it does when he meets Jongwoon’s eyes, dark and inquisitive and so bloody _real._

Kyuhyun tries to date. Three times. The first two dates are with two girls from his workplace. They’re nice but at the end of the night he realizes he has nothing in common with neither of them. Some days later, he’s out for dinner with his colleagues when the waiter chats him up. He stays there for half an hour after the dinner’s over, talking to the waiter. He’s young and with such a perfect smile it almost looks fake. The guy asks him to go back to his place.

Kyuhyun refuses and goes back to his flat. Jongwoon welcomes him with his shy smile, and Kyuhyun feels at home.

~~~

He wakes up, and his right side of the bed feels cold. He knows Jongwoon is there when it happens. His eyes don’t trick him. Jongwoon is staring at him with his cat-like eyes.

“Don’t you get tired of looking at me all the time? Am I that handsome?” Kyuhyun teases, his voice groggy from sleep.

Jongwoon lets out a theatrical laugh, and there’s real amusement in his eyes. “So full of yourself, Cho Kyuhyun! I suggest you find a different tactic when you’re out dating.”

Kyuhyun sighs. “Nah, not interested in that at the moment. I’m good.”

“Hey, you can bring people over. I’ll try and not be around and leave you some privacy…I’m not that terrible, you know.” Jongwoon pouts but he can’t hide a mocking grin.

“I wish I could hit you with a pillow right now.” Kyuhyun shoots back.

“A pillow fight sounds so much more interesting when you’re a ghost… but making fun of you is better. You should see the look on your face!” Jongwoon genuinely sounds like a happy kid, Kyuhyun thinks.

His heart feels like growing two sizes bigger at the observation.

~~~

Work is always the same. Kyuhyun is ok with it. He gets a good pay, enough for his rent and bills, enough to buy some random games and CDs once in a while, or treat himself to eating outside once a week. He also saves up a bit; maybe it’ll be enough for him to retire at a decent age, or to plan a vacation someday.

He doesn’t feel like he misses anything in his life. He has a job; a nice, little flat; friends – not many, just enough - who ring him up for a drink once a month or so.

He doesn’t feel lonely, lately. He knows it’s absurd, but Jongwoon has become a stable presence in his life. They talk about anything freely. He would consider Jongwoon a good friend, if it wasn’t for the tiny particular that he’s a ghost.

Kyuhyun regrets not meeting Jongwoon when he was alive.

~~~

Sometimes, Jongwoon seems lost. Kyuhyun can see it on his face. He looks younger than thirty – his full, round cheeks and pouty lips concealing his age – but his eyes say everything.

Kyuhyun feels that no matter how long he’s going to be with him, he’s never going to know Jongwoon fully. The Jongwoon in his past life. The thought makes him sad. Hopeless.

At night, he dreams of Jongwoon making dinner. He watches as Jongwoon sits and stares at the plate in front of him for something that feels like an hour. He watches as Jongwoon stands up without touching his food, as he goes to bed and lies down, staring out of the window.

~~~

What he sees one day makes him freeze in place.

Kyuhyun eats while Jongwoon talks about nothing and everything. Jongwoon has so many interests and Kyuhyun never gets bored with him. His extensive knowledge about turtles is a recurrent topic and Kyuhyun can’t help but look at the man with affection.

_Is this normal?_

As Jongwoon tries to explain for the twentieth time what’s the difference between a turtle and tortoise, because _Kyu, you never listen, you should know by now!_ \- and he’s trying to make his point clear by making weird signs with his hands, Kyuhyun sees it.

The cuts on Jongwoon’s wrists look faded on his greyish skin, but they’re there; long, white scars on both of his wrists, always covered by the long sleeves of his red sweater. Kyuhyun stares at them for a few seconds but the man is too engrossed in his zoological explanation to notice.

He feels his stomach dropping to his knees. He’s not hungry anymore.

~~~

Kyuhyun dreams of watching Jongwoon but he can never talk to him, or touch him. He dreams of Jongwoon sleeping on his bed for hours, then waking up and falling asleep again.

In his dreams, Jongwoon doesn’t do much. He watches as Jongwoon stands in front of the bathroom door a little too long, then enters the room, closes the door and locks it. Kyuhyun stands in front of the bathroom door, tries to open it but he cannot grab the handle.

He wakes up with a sense of dread that he cannot explain, and he’s alone in his bed.

~~~

“You know, I started having weird dreams lately. I dream of you often.”

“Really? That’s so romantic, Kyu. I’m flattered.” Jongwoon replies and he’s all grins and wiggling eyebrows.

“No seriously, hyung!” Kyuhyun pretends to be annoyed.

“That’s curious. I also started having dreams. Like memories of my past life, even though they don’t mean much. But it’s better than dreaming nothing.”

“Hyung, did you have a boyfriend back then?” Kyuhyun asks and he’s suddenly blushing at his own intrusive question.

 “No, not really. Why?”

“Just curious. That song you wrote, how was it called? _Dreaming_? It’s one of my favorites. Did you have anyone in mind when you wrote those lyrics?”

“I… I don’t remember.” Jongwoon says, but he doesn’t seem too sure.

~~~

One night, Kyuhyun has the worst nightmare. He finally understands, he _knows_.

In his dream, he goes to the bedroom and the bathroom door is shut and locked. Kyuhyun can hear the sound of water falling from the tap. He tries to open the door, but he can’t.

He feels a loud thump from the other side of the door, and suddenly his feet are wet. He looks down and can’t peel his eyes off the floor, as water mixed with blood pours from below the crack under the door.

When he wakes up, fear and horror are lodged in his throat and tears quickly pool in his eyes, as realization hits him like a punch in the face.

~~~

He doesn’t see Jongwoon that day.

The following morning he wakes up, nightmares still clouding his sleep. Jongwoon is there, but he’s not guarding over him as usual. Kyuhyun can just sense his presence, the cold block of air next to him. He’s lying on his back and he looks lost and _sad_. It’s the first time Kyuhyun sees him like this.

Kyuhyun is afraid, but words roll out of his tongue.

“You dreamed of it, too, didn’t you? You remember.”

“Yes. I do, now.”

~~~

Kyuhyun doesn’t have the courage to speak about it. He goes on with his normal life and wonders if anything will ever change, if this is what destiny had in store for him. He wonders why destiny put Jongwoon in his path and _why_.

When he sees Jongwoon’s lost gaze and sad smile, he understands why.

~~~

“Do you regret what you did?”

“I do. But I had no other options. I don’t feel any pain now.”

~~~

He wakes up and the first thing he sees is Jongwoon’s eyes. They look at him with something in between curiosity, affection and gratitude.

Kyuhyun doesn’t know why, but he feels compelled to say something. “I wish I had met you before. I really like you, hyung. I mean it.”

Jongwoon smiles again, a big, sincere smile, and Kyuhyun can only smile back and stay in bed with him until the alarm clock rings.

~~~

Kyuhyun starts doing little things to change his life. He tries to be more sociable, to meet new people. He rings up his friends more often instead of waiting for them to call him. He starts attending cooking lessons during the weekends. He meets new people there and they’re not bad at all. _One step at a time._

Because if there is something that he’s learned in the past months, is that life has to be lived. That he cannot wait for things to come to him.

~~~

It happens so suddenly, but it’s the right thing. It just clicks into place, why they were destined to meet, and save each other.

Kyuhyun dreams of lying in bed next to Jongwoon. He dreams of placing a hand over Jongwoon’s but this time, the man’s not a ghost. Kyuhyun grabs skin and flesh and bones.

 

When Kyuhyun wakes up, Jongwoon is there, watching him. It’s past six and the sun is slowly crawling up from behind the skyline.

“Hi.”, Jongwoon’s voice is soft.

“Hi. Can I try something?” Kyuhyun asks.

Jongwoon just tilts his head in curiosity, and Kyuhyun doesn’t even realize what he’s doing when he moves his head forward and places his lips on Jongwoon’s.

He thinks he’d soon smash his face on the pillow, but instead he _feels_. He feels the chapped skin under his lips, feels the softness of flesh while he applies a little pressure to Jongwoon’s mouth, and it’s so _real_ and it’s there, it’s real, and he’s awake, he’s not dreaming. Jongwoon’s lips suddenly turn warm, so warm like a hug, it almost burns, and he’s smiling over Kyuhyun’s lips.

Kyuhyun pulls back and Jongwoon’s smile widens, it’s the brightest smile he’s ever seen, and his skin is finally a clear gold and it shines, and his eyes are full of joy.

Jongwoon breathes out heavily with a hum of satisfaction, his smile never leaving his face, and like a firework he just disappears and turns into pure light, little flickers of bright fire filling the air of the bedroom, and Kyuhyun watches, alone in his bed, as the sun shines high in the sky, the sheets on his right side as warm as the feeling inside his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> The song mentioned by Kyuhyun, "Dreaming", refers to the Hwajung OST from Yesung.
> 
> Also, hi! This is my first fic ever...it's not beta-read, so I apologize for mistakes as I'm sure there's plenty... I tried!  
> I didn't plan to make it this long and sad, but it sort of happened... *hides*


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